Numb

I feel like in a boat, sailing with the sea, with no way to control it. I see a blue sky far ahead, maybe even some land, but it seems far and unreachable. It’s not very bad in my boat. It’s raining, but I’m not cold. The sea is pushing me everywhere, sometimes deeper into the sea, sometimes to the shore. I’m covered in leafs. Grey, auburn, green, yellow, reddish…many colors.

I feel nothing. I’m empty. The sea is so loud, that it’s covering every thought I had.

I close my eyes..better this way. Something burns my face. A ray of sun is caressing me. Feels good. I’m not numb anymore. Can you never go away?

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Heaven couldn’t wait for you…

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And so you came, a soul who had no rest until it helped as many as it could. And now, who is helping you? Who is caressing your soul when it’s in need? Are you looking down upon us, to see how we all regret you leave, and that we couldn’t do more? Or are you relived? It’s easier to be free?

I miss you…sometimes I feel you. I try to think of you like you are running free among the ones that miss you, and that you caress us. I talk to you so much, we still laugh and cry even if you are not still holding my hand.

Rethinking, and rethinking you were playing at your best the few roles from my life that brought me happiness. It’s useless to turn back the time. I find you between the lines that I read, between every medical report, and every stamp. You gave me some great memories, you helped me grow. Thank you! I can still hear you laugh, see you next to me, hear you, I miss your hugs, your hands, you…

I hate all this traditions, fake people, fake tears just to be like everyone else. I hate the ones who smiled, or laughed when your body rested. Without you in it, your body didn’t seemed yours. In the first moments I kept waiting for you to get up, to smile and say that you are joking, but the joke was on me. Why do we torture ourselves so much at funerals? This traditions only make you hurt more and more. I wish nothing like this. So what will your soul do now? Will you stay among us, or will you go on another quest? Or will you rest? As I know you, you can’t rest too much…you will start something. Caress me one more time, before you go…