A scream is pumping down my ear. My face is like porcelain. It doesn’t show any expression. My eyes are empty but look ahead. My mouth is closed but words knock at it’s door without rest. And I wait, and wait for time to go by and the truth to be revealed. But, the time passing is making me feel elder and tired. I feel like I have no patience anymore and I’ve replaced it with numbness. I’m tired of new beginnings but I crave for them constantly. I’m afraid of losing myself into simplicity and destroy my complex personality with endless stupid people, and simple and unimportant matters. I don’t know what I wish for and time passes by without giving me a break to sort things out. At least I have the falling starts that wait for me to put a wish upon each, so that they can move the universe around for me. How do I find what I wish, when I am in numbness?
Maybe, a little magic can help!
The end has no colors. It all fades into grey. And with everyday passing by, all turns into black. My soul is black. I decided just to quit wearing the white hat of joy and optimism. What is the worst that can happen, and haven’t already happened? I’m gonna try it. I think everything will be easier, and no expectations will be made. But, at the same time, empty. I feel like an empty soul with only colored memories. I need to get away from it all and see how it feels. It feels like we can do more or that’s the ending path. And what if I want no more path? No more truth, no more nothing. Empty is safe in a way. No more ways to get hurt. For now, I choose emptiness.
I feel like in a boat, sailing with the sea, with no way to control it. I see a blue sky far ahead, maybe even some land, but it seems far and unreachable. It’s not very bad in my boat. It’s raining, but I’m not cold. The sea is pushing me everywhere, sometimes deeper into the sea, sometimes to the shore. I’m covered in leafs. Grey, auburn, green, yellow, reddish…many colors.
I feel nothing. I’m empty. The sea is so loud, that it’s covering every thought I had.
I close my eyes..better this way. Something burns my face. A ray of sun is caressing me. Feels good. I’m not numb anymore. Can you never go away?
And so you came, a soul who had no rest until it helped as many as it could. And now, who is helping you? Who is caressing your soul when it’s in need? Are you looking down upon us, to see how we all regret you leave, and that we couldn’t do more? Or are you relived? It’s easier to be free?
I miss you…sometimes I feel you. I try to think of you like you are running free among the ones that miss you, and that you caress us. I talk to you so much, we still laugh and cry even if you are not still holding my hand.
Rethinking, and rethinking you were playing at your best the few roles from my life that brought me happiness. It’s useless to turn back the time. I find you between the lines that I read, between every medical report, and every stamp. You gave me some great memories, you helped me grow. Thank you! I can still hear you laugh, see you next to me, hear you, I miss your hugs, your hands, you…
I hate all this traditions, fake people, fake tears just to be like everyone else. I hate the ones who smiled, or laughed when your body rested. Without you in it, your body didn’t seemed yours. In the first moments I kept waiting for you to get up, to smile and say that you are joking, but the joke was on me. Why do we torture ourselves so much at funerals? This traditions only make you hurt more and more. I wish nothing like this. So what will your soul do now? Will you stay among us, or will you go on another quest? Or will you rest? As I know you, you can’t rest too much…you will start something. Caress me one more time, before you go…
“I wonder who’s arms would I run and fall into if I were drunk in a room with everyone I had ever loved. Furthermore I wonder who will still catch me”
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