Numb

I feel like in a boat, sailing with the sea, with no way to control it. I see a blue sky far ahead, maybe even some land, but it seems far and unreachable. It’s not very bad in my boat. It’s raining, but I’m not cold. The sea is pushing me everywhere, sometimes deeper into the sea, sometimes to the shore. I’m covered in leafs. Grey, auburn, green, yellow, reddish…many colors.

I feel nothing. I’m empty. The sea is so loud, that it’s covering every thought I had.

I close my eyes..better this way. Something burns my face. A ray of sun is caressing me. Feels good. I’m not numb anymore. Can you never go away?

What’s love?

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                       What is love to you? I wondered myself for years …

A great poet said:

“What is love? A long opportunity for pain,

 For thousands of tears may come,

 But love more and more demands. “

        And I took every word for granted as the poet said. If in a relationship I didn’t had to move mountains, to put myself against the wind, to shed rivers of tears, it only meant that I didn’t loved. When I encountered obstacles, it was clear that I loved! I loved in every way possible, but only in the good way I didn’t!

           I loved breathlessly, and the further they went, the more I desired them. I loved by carelessness, and as they get more and more devoted, as far away I ran. I tried to love with no strings attached, but I put on me a halter neck. I suffocated others with love, and I ran outside looking for air. I loved too many persons, without knowing that I haven’t loved the one I was supposed too, all the time. I should have started with ME.

           Self-love seemed like a joke to me!  I was perfectly willing to love someone with all my heart, to give everything to it, and forget about myself. I was at peace with the thought that everybody had a life, but me. I agreed to the fact that I didn’t matter for anybody and then I realized that in that anybody, I was included there.

        When I began to love the person most dedicated to me, meaning myself, I had discovered how to be truly loved. Love is not provided for an exchange. Love does not demand anything. Love only offers. Provides heat, light, sincerity, excitement, passion and feels fulfilled only for the simple fact that it’s provided. If you happen to have a reaction to the action of giving love, you can only be happy. But until then, only by offering, I learned to feel fulfilled and loved.

            I love so much now that I feel like floating. I love everything and everyone. From a leaf falling slowly from a shoulders tree, to a smile showed to a stranger on the street. Give love and feel happy! I learned that love is to give and expect nothing in return. Give for the sake of giving and to see the other one happy. And if the other one behaves in a different way from your vision, do not you regret what you offered, but have in your soul gratitude, because you’ve had a chance to give love. And in the way of life, surely you’ll find someone who will appear, to give you back, in the same simple and beautiful way, the pure love that you shared!